Written by Quentin Shires
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Friday, 11 December 2009

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ALASKA- In a frantic effort to exterminate the gay community, former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin (Rep-AK) joined her church's initiation in starting to "pray away the gays".

Larry Kroon, Pastor of Wasilla Bible Church, Wasilla, Alaska, reported that his church's new initiation involves a conference on how to convert homosexuals back to heterosexuals. "It's a wonderful initiation of forcing people to be who they really are," Kroon said during an interview on CNN"s Larry King. "All we have to do is prey…um… I mean PRAY that they receive Christ's teachings".

2009-year-old Jesus Christ said Thursday that he is surprised that this initiation is coming from the Pentecostals. "It has been my experience," Christ said, "that the Catholics usually begin turning my teachings around. I'm really surprised and confused by this."

This is not the first time Christ has been blamed on Kroon's initiations. "Just the other day," Christ said, "he [Kroon] reported to the Huffington Post that I am going to strike my hand out against America. I don't know what to do!"

Kroon states that homosexuality is not just a random act like it used to be; it is becoming more and more popular, especially between the younger generations. "It used to basically be a 'kiss Adam behind the barn act', but now it's on the streets and everywhere you turn!"

To get the Wasilla community up to speed on modern day homosexuality, Kroon reported he has begun offering what he calls "homosexual definition classes" to help community members identify gays more readily.

'There are a lot of different words out there that I didn't know existed," Wasilla Bible Church Member Daisy Jackson, 93, said after her class. "Lesbian Cunnilinigus. Good gravy, I don't even know what that is, let alone how to say it. This has been my hardest class so far."

Most other members share the same concern for the difficult homosexual definitions that are being taught. But Larry Kroon has hope for everyone involved. "I really commend Daisy for the hard work she is doing within the classes, I know it's not easy," he said referring to his oldest and longest standing church member, "but she's not the only one struggling."

Kroon reported that Sarah Palin had a lot of trouble with lesbian cunnilinigus too. "Sarah has been an outstanding member of our church community. She was rather surprised at what carpet munchers can do to each other. It's not only the diction she struggles with, it's the act itself."

Palin confirmed Kroon's statement when talking to the press outside of Wasilla Bible church. "I find lesbian cunnilinigus extremely difficult. I can't get into it. It's just not natural. I know the pastor taught us that it is when a gal gets her couchie licked by another gal, you know. But my faith just doesn't support it."

Palin went on to discuss the teachings of the bible and when she was asked what chapter and verse supports the acts of sexual intercourse for reproduction she replied, "Oh you know, it's probably just in Ecclesiastes."

Kroon supported Palin's lack of bible knowledge by affirming that it is not important where versus are stated, as long as "you know they are in there."

Quentin Shires

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