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Friday, 11 December 2009

image for SuBo is Tiger's next target
Elin Nordegren makes a point yesterday

Celebrated contest-entering songstress Susan Boyle has gone into hiding after it was revealed that her well-publicised virginity has made her the only woman in the world who has not spent a spiritual evening with Tiger Woods.

A spokesman for the deeply disturbed, unique looking singer of other people's songs said: "Her chaste reputation will be like a red rag to a bull to Tiger Woods.

"Frankly, we're worried for her cherry".

SuBo, 65, is to tour the USA in 2010 and special security is being discussed with a view to keeping Mr Woods well away from her hotels and venues where she will sing songs that were largely written by other people to an undiscerning audience.

However, in a shock twist, a new development has cast doubt on Ms Boyle's pristine reputation after record company boss, artist mentor and musical anti-Christ Simon Cowell merely gave a knowing nod when pressed on whether he'd demanded a favour or two in return for ensuring Ms Boyle's superstardom.

In neither confirming nor denying, he said: "no comment" before giving a cheeky wink as he was carried into his gold-plated helicopter.

Top literary Boffins at the Oxford English Dictionary have confirmed that the phrase; "about as busy as Susan Boyle's obstetrician" is now on hold until the issue has been fully clarified.

Meanwhile, Tiger Wood's penis has had a restraining order placed on it by a county court judge in Florida after the Scottish warbler's advisors voiced their concern.

Mr Woods will be under threat of 90 days incarceration should his penis be found within a 500 yard radius of the world's most celebrated karaoke singer.

His spokesperson said: "These measures are really over the top.

"Obviously 'The Hairy Angel' Susan Boyle would complete his remarkable one-man-mission but let's face it, would you?"

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