Written by Quentin Shires
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Friday, 11 December 2009

image for Gore: Bovines linked to Global Warming

SAN FRANCISCO- The Environmental Activism and Nobel Peace Prize winner of 2004, Al Gore, announced Wednesday that the global warming has been linked to the farts and burps of most bovine animals.

"Most people lack an understanding of the power all bovine animals have on our planet," Gore reported during an interview on 60 minutes, "the environmental problems stem far from just cows. The theory has now been broadened to include all bovine animals; including, cattle, buffalo and bison." Gore reported that the enormous amounts of bovine farts and burps are "slowly but surely warming our planet".

Twelve-year-old Bessie Winslow, a Jersey Breed cow, stated Friday that she is disgusted with Gore's pretentious and outrageous comments. "It's just insane to think that my farts and possibly burps are contributing to global warming. I mean, I know they have to point blame somewhere but this is just ridiculous!"

But not all cows agree with Bessie. Moobert Johnson, a Durnham Red bovine said yesterday that Gore's theory of global warming is slowly spreading hatred between the different breeds of cows. "I think the blame should be directed towards the Jersey Breeds," she claims. "They are the ones that produce more milk per pound of body weight than any other breed".

Other breeds have contacted their local unions in order to begin strike motions for milk production due to start on Monday. "This is utterly frustrating for milk producers," Elsie, 10, a huge Murray Grey Cow, stated during an interview located on Strauss Farms in Kentucky. "To blame our farts on global warming is just unfair. Let me try putting Mr. Gore in a paddock and feed him a balanced diet of grass, corn, flax meal, and alfalfa hay, and see if he can hold in a fart. It just isn't our choice."

Sally Field discussed her concerns, from BONVIA headquarters on how a possible "calcium strike" could show devastating effects within the medical community. 10 million new cases of osteoporosis are discovered in the US each year. Field stated that with possible strike action, the cases could almost double. "It is very important to note that people that do not get regular intakes of cheese, milk, yogurt, etc… are more apt to experience the onset of this disease. That's why I choose Boniva."

Scientists have calculated that human farts produce 50 to 150 pounds of pressure per release; whereas bovine farts and burps are known to exceed the comfortable limit than that of a human and what our environment can handle. This is what scientists claim are warming our fair planet.

Darryll, 13, a White Galloway cow, discussed over a helping of alfalfa hay and corn seeds his view on the heating debate. "Humans tend to look the other way when it comes to them polluting this planet," he said. "Look at what happens to cigarette butts, and soda pop cans. But as soon as a bubble of methane gas emits into the atmosphere, they turn to us! Life just isn't fair."


Quentin Shires

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