Frantic action on the golf circuit this afternoon, as it was reported in some newspapers that an eyewitness had come forward to give evidence in the Tiger Woods case to the effect that the world's number one golfist is, in fact, gay.
The claim, made by street 'girl' Telulah Grinch, was made last night at Windermere Police Station to detectives who immediately sold the information to the local newspaper for a tidy sum.
Grinch, 27, but looking much older and a bit like a man, told police:
"I would have come last week, but the street was busy. Tonight my corner's dead, so I thought I'd come down and see if any of the officers fancied a bit of light relief in their coffee break."
On the subject of Woods, Grinch said:
"He's a cutie. He's always wearing gaily-coloured outfits, and has perfect white teeth. And his smile - oooh, I'd love to meet him in a car park."
Tiger Woods is not gay.
Not to my knowledge, anyway.