The United States Congress was ready to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal for maintaining a politically correct and dutiful Dudley Do-Right image until today. Recent revelations have painted the Golf Great as more of a back ally consumer of shankster girl follies. This has caused a reversal of feelings amongst the pure and holier- than- thou Congressional Representatives, and the gold medal has now been awarded to Governor Sanford of South Carolina instead.
However, just as the bad news was piling on top of already piled high piles, Tiger scored a victory of sorts to bring a little cheer to his otherwise miserable day.
The Society of Trailertrash Divas (STD's) awarded Tiger Woods the Platinum Ho' Diploma (PhD) for his dedicated and continual efforts to collect every known snapper fungus, virus, and deadly disease onto a single Big Stick and bring them all to a growth stage in a single sex oven- namely his wife's.
When Tiger's research was completed, the Big Stick was swiped into a culture dish for test, causing a huge explosion which lit up the greater Las Vegas area. This brought new opportunities to the STD's as every single resident for miles around breathed in at least once during the initial fallout period and the residue polluted the water supply. Accordingly, TW can now tell the media hounds as well as his former buddies on tour that he was just conducting research and was not operating as a Full Fledged member of the Fornicating for Fun (FFFF)club.
From nearby Henderson NV,
DagNabbit Rabbit Reporting