Val Kilmer and ex-wife Joanne Whalley lost a decision in the New Mexico State Court of Appeals in which they claimed a refund of $300 000 from the IRS. The couple claimed the tax refund because Whalley had moved to California in the latter part of that year.
The Judges were sympathetic but set out at length the procedures parties are required to follow prior to claiming a refund.
"In terms of State Law the claimant shall first and foremost contact the weather bureau. Request the party(s) that answer the call to look up the temperature in Hades. If the temperature is minus 30 or colder in Hades then, and only then, do you have a chance of getting a refund."
The judge continued : "Having ensured that Hades is minus 30 or colder, contact the offices of the IRS, I repeat IRS, for an appointment. Most people spend a life dedicated to the Lord praying that the IRS loses their details, you are phoning them to demand money. In the interests of fairness check into a mental home and have yourself assessed".
"We cannot stress highly enough that you tell these doctors that you are phoning the IRS and setting up appointments because YOU want money from THEM! Two things can happen : Either they commit you or they let you continue your quest under the strict proviso that you never ever, even under fear of death, mention their names while you are at the IRS!!"
The judge then shifted his robe to show Kilmer he was armed - you can never be too careful with all the wackos out there. "If you have checked the weather in Hades, have ensured your sanity and still wish to carry on then proceed to the offices of the IRS. Don't be concerned that they will be hostile, hell they've already disallowed every reduction off your next return just for the fun of it. Why should they be hostile you're on the road to perdition".
"Next you will present your claim for a refund, in triplicate, every document in support thereof, in triplicate, and then await their read of the situation."
"Then the man from the IRS will phone the weather bureau to check up on Hades which invariably will be a lot warmer than you thought. Moving quickly along he will tell you that a return is sent out to a taxpayer. Within 90 days of it's being sent you will be deemed to get it. You then have 120 days to claim a refund or sorry for you. As much as he'd like to help you you have got a snowballs chance in hell...after which he starts phoning the weather bureau again to see if it's cold enough in Hades for a ...but I digress".
"Of course having run the whole guantlet nothing is gonna stop you coming into my court and bleeding all over my tables. Well sir take it from me that like you I am a taxpayer whose number is with our friendly IRS and even if I could and even if hell did freeze over you aint getting a penny out of here!! Next case!!"