Written by Chuck Terzella
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Tuesday, 31 August 2004

The White House and The Department of Homeland Security has issued a New Terror Warning based on instances of "increased chatter". This is the sixtieth warning that has been issued since Homeland Security has been created and by far the most comprehensive list to date.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " I know that every other Terror Alert hasn't really panned out the way we hoped it would but we're sure to hit something with this list. Al-Qaida has been chattering like crazy, so we know that something is gonna happen somewhere sooner or later, hopefully in time for the election so George Bush can get dressed up in a uniform again, maybe a Navy Seals kind of thing this time, with lots of knives and stuff hanging off it. That would sure piss off John Kerry."

The list includes the following possible targets: The United States, including all churches, synagogues, mosques and religious schools, all military bases, Wal-Marts, Sam's Clubs, Targets, Home Depots, Lowe's Home Improvement Centers and Krispy Kreme Donut Shops, all gas stations, car washes and movie theaters, all schools and day care centers, all public and private buildings, roads, sidewalks and bicycle paths, all mountains, fields, rivers and streams, all swimming pools and hot tubs, your mailbox, every shopping mall and public restroom, a VCR in Des Moines, Iowa and a wide screen TV in Terra Haute,Indiana, a small Volkswagen dealership somewhere in Maine, a neutered Pekinese named Muffy in San Francisco, any gathering of one or more people anywhere, Bubba's Bar and Grill in Escanaba, Michigan, Charlie's House of Chili in Racine, Wisconsin, you, all of your family and friends, a cow somewhere in the mid west, and finally and perhaps most disturbingly, the star Alpha Centauri.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, "All right, fine, we don't have a clue what they're going after and we never have. But if you think that's going to stop us from scaring the crap out of Americans in an election year then you have no idea have the American Electoral Process Works."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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