Team USA has seen off China at the top of the leaderboard. USA palmed 100 medals to China's 62 with 34 golds to 31. Michael Phelps has however said that the USA's tally would have been far higher if Democratic Presidential Nominee Senator John Kerry had not visited their village.
"We were all happy to meet the Senator until he started throwing our medals into the lake. If he wants to throw medals, next time let him do his own".
Phelps also went on to say that Kerry had better decide who his running mate is : "The guy he brought with him is the John Edwards who has that program "Crossing Over" not the one he nominated as Vice President"
"Do you know how disconcerting it is to have some genius asking you about your dead grandfather's hair colour? Then he starts - "black - no, brown - no, blonde - no, red - no, ginger - no....clue? - bald....Okay cameraman let's do it again...bald? - .."
Of course the incident with the Cambodian team is best left unsaid here. Hot on the heels of the top two were the Russians who beat the Chinese on overall medals but could only muster 23 golds.
They are of course missing a few sattelite states from the good old days of the Soviet Union but a credible performance nonetheless. As their coach always says 'what you can get from Putin will always come out during the audit'.
Then in 4th place comes the Cobbers from down under. Australia with 17 golds did very nicely indeed. Add 16 silvers and 16 bronze and you have a 49 medal haul.
Lets hope that the finance minister has better luck this time. After the last Olympics in Sydney he tried to convert the gold into bars and lost his yenatils in an unfortunate schmelting accident.
Japan and Germany are in 5th and 6th places with the Germans winning more medals but the Japanese holding a 15 to 14 advantage in gold medals.
In 7th place however are everyone's favourite Surrender Monkeys the French. 11 golds, 8 silvers and 12 bronzes, I never knew they gave so many medals for Dressage.
Of course Jacques Chirac will see this placing as something else : "Yes of course we are ze actual winners.....our medals are for ze most difficult events. Fronze is a country that tackles ze difficult well, look at our cigarettes...Gauloises..would you think smoking those are easy?"
Italy are in 8th with a very credible performance. 9 golds, 10 silvers and 11 bronze means they have outdone themselves and can go home rather than seek political asylum elsewhere.
Great Britain in 9th are the shock of the event. The bookies prior to their departure for Athens were very optimistic about their chances. "Yer well if Khan can get to the semis of the boxing we may have a medal but more than that I don't see it".
What about the track? "Yer, there's a decent filly running at Chepstow at 2 ; 15 have a quid each way".
So 9 golds has been way above even the most optimistic supporters back in Blighty. Many new sporting heroes, some of whom can actually speak, have risen from the ashes and well done to this lot.
10th place goes to the Ukraine. 9 golds in a 22 medal haul is certainly not to be sneezed at. Easy to see why as a USSR the group put the USA under pressure but split only China could try to keep pace.
As for those below 10th well done. I would merely make mention of Mongolia's single bronze. Just be warned that when the Chinese find out what happened to their...."