President George W. Bush has publicly stated that he does not believe Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry lied about his service in Vietnam. In fact The President went a step farther, saying that he actually saw John Kerry in battle while he was on a secret mission for the Texas Air National Guard which also explains why Bush's military records from that time have been unavailable to reporters and the public.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " We didn't want to say anything about the Presidents secret military exploits, National Security and all that, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has decided to declassify the records of the Presidents missions behind enemy lines in order to help the American People better decide who should lead them in the Titanic Struggle For Freedom in the next four years, even though this all has nothing to do with politics."
Among the revelations in the newly released records are that George W. Bush was secretly awarded 315 Silver Stars for bravery, 219 Bronze Stars for being cute, 62 Purple Hearts and 16 Congressional Medals of Honor. In addition, President Bush received a secret promotion to Five Star General. Until now, as with all covertly won citations and promotions, the President wasn't allowed to speak of his deeds; if he did he would've had to kill himself.
Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, " This explains a lot of things, actually. Obviously, the first is why the President could never defend himself against the lack of documentation in his service records...two, where the hell he was during the time all you Liberal Commie Scum were saying he was out drinking in bars in Alabama when he should have been serving his country and three, why Laura always said he was a real hottie. It always confused me how an intelligent and beautiful woman like Laura Bush could've married a drunken loser like George Bush was in his early days. Well, the secret agent thing explains it. The stupid Party Animal thing was just a cover, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies." Waterhouse continued, scanning the newly declassified documents, " It just goes to show, you can't believe everything you read."