ST. LOUIS, MO (AP) - According to friends and relatives, Bill Windmire, 25, has major gas after consuming a hefty-sized plate of fried cauliflower.
"Oh my God. Bill has major gas," said Jill Steprink, Windmire's girlfriend of three months. I tolerate his minor gas, but screw this major gas-I'm going home."
Details are sketchy about when exactly Windmire's gas was upgraded from minor to major and if it was even the cauliflower causing the lion's share of the gas.
"I mean, he, literally, just finished the cauliflower ten minutes ago," Steprink said. "Is it possible that the cauliflower pushed him over the line between minor and major gas? I don't think so."
The source of the major gas has Windmire baffled.
"Could it be the mustard-flavored hot wings I had for lunch today? No, surely not. Wait, I had some leftover meat lover's pizza this morning for breakfast," Windmire said. "Nah, I eat pizza all the time and I never get major gas like this. It has to be the cauliflower. Christ, who knows?"
Windmire's mom, Betty, said that minor gas is pretty much standard for Bill.
"Bill has always eaten too quickly. For Bill, a day without gas would be like a day with me wearing panties to the office-it just doesn't happen," Betty said.
Lou Dillon, Bill's best friend, blames a recent bender on the major gas.
"Bill and I downed at least twelve brews apiece two nights ago and I was in the john for four hours yesterday. It was beyond major gas. I mean, come on Bill, get over the fried cauliflower, man."
Bill retrieved a notebook and began to sketch out all his recent meals and activities to determine if he could continue to blame the cauliflower for his major gas or come to some other, more plausible, conclusion.
"Let's see, I had some onion rings, but that's no big deal. Egg Sandwich? Nah. How about mom's famous vegetable soup with extra cabbage? No way. Burp contest with Lou? No. Hell, I don't know," Bill said.
After meticulously analyzing his activities over the past week, Bill was convinced that the three hours he spent watching Greco-Roman wrestling gave him major gas.