Written by Stuart Florwood
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Topics: vagina

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina defended her vagina this morning amidst growing speculation that it has aligned itself with the Devil's ends.

Concerns were raised shortly after Fiorina joined John McCain's Presidential Campaign as a senior staff member in 2008, an indication that Fiorina's vagina was becoming hungry for power which a large corporation like HP could never supply. Fiorina was also criticized for defending Sarah Palin's vagina during the campaign in an interview where she stated that any claims made against Palin's experience were are also directed, de facto, to her vagina as well as every vagina that exists and has ever existed.

Palin's vagina is not only widely-known to be completely evil to its rancid core, but that it is a quitter and it often seeks positions for which it is completely unqualified for. Furthermore, Palin's vagina has publicized mention of Fiorina in its best-selling book, How I Lost a Presidential Election and Subsequently Caused the Collapse of the GOP, causing Fiorina further embattlement.

Prior to politics, Fiorina and her controversial vagina served as CEO of Hewlett-Packard from 1999 until both were asked to resign in 2005 amid falling stock prices and increasing complaints of sulfur, brimstone, and rotten fish smells in HP corporate offices. She was later recruited by John McCain as part of the "Hugh Hefner Presidential Election Strategy": a plan cooked-up by Karl Rove coupling an increasingly old and senile man with pretty, presentable women referred to "business bunnies" inside the campaign.

Rove later noted, in regards to Palin, that "attempting to harness the power of a female's vagina can prove to have disastrous consequences. All it takes is a little bit of power to transform a pure flower into a semi-human Darth Vagina. Sometimes it will really backfire, resulting radical and insane vaginas like the one on Michelle Bachmann, the Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota."

"It's a classic case of 'guilty by association'", Fiorina said this morning, "when one vagina defends another they are both seen as one orifice. It's the machismo, patriarchal society that has given birth to this mentality, even though every vagina, including my own, is completely distinct from every other, at least in character. The media is out for blood, not just any kind of blood, but the blood of innocence. At least once a month I hear all kinds of smear campaigns directed towards this country's up-and-coming vaginas. This month, it's mine."

Fiorina's vagina has been under intense scrutiny after Fiorina announced that she was going to be running against incumbent Senator Barbara Boxer whose vagina retired in late 1993. "You'll be seeing and hearing a lot about my vagina in the next year, and I want everyone to know that, for the record, there have been times in my corporate life where my vagina has acted in ways some would find questionable. But I want to assure everyone that it has been benign since accepting Jesus Christ as its personal savior and receiving a holy water cleansing."

Fiorina's vagina was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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