At 2:43 A.M. following Thanksgiving dinner, both Mr. and Mrs. Tiger Woods got a hankering for their favorite pistachio nut caramel brownie chocolate fudge ice cream.
As Tiger jumped into their '09 Cadillac Escalade SUV for a quick putt to the twenty-four-seven Ben and Jerry's ice cream parlor, Mrs Woods thought some Mrs. Fields macadamia double nut super spice cookies would be a fine addition, grabbed one of Tiger's Nike SQ golf clubs, (they're all over the house) and Ninja style, chased the Escalade down the drive, tapped the window with the club to get his attention, but hit a hole in one, causing the entire window to shattered into a million pieces.
Thinking that the shattered glass was cause by a barking dog, Mr. Woods spun the wheel of the '09 Cadillac Escalade SUV and hit the fire hydrant. He then went into fun-house-car-driving mode and backed up and hit a tree.
While the greatest golf course driver on the planet, no one has ever claimed Mr. Woods was a Mario Andretti behind a stirring wheel. And that driveway has always been one tricky little sucker for the golfer, and he usually has his caddy's assistance to clue him in on avoiding the permanent fixtures of his property.
The Windermere emergency crew that arrived at the luxury mansion at 2:53 A.M., found Mr. Woods laying on the driveway next to his '09 Cadillac Escalade SUV, (with airbags that did not deploy) repeatedly asking for some pistachio nut caramel brownie chocolate fudge ice cream. Mrs. Woods explained that she just wanted to tell her husband to also pick up some Mrs. Fields macadamia double nut super spice cookies, and the window seemed to shattered into a million pieces.
"Just like the number of pistachio nuts found in pistachio nut caramel brownie chocolate fudge ice cream," repeated the golfer.
Florida States Troopers and Highway Patrol, (two groups that put the fear of el diablo in any driver's heart) announced that they were treating the accident as a driving violation and not as domestic violence or the need for a Weight Watchers intervention.