In a move to strengthen his regime, hold on to his power, and keep his pretty clothes, Hamid Karzai has called upon the United States to send an additional 200,000 troops to Afghanistan. He has reportedly sent word to President Obama that if the US will send the troops, he will send the country's poppy crop and his brother, Ahmed Wali Karzai to the US. "My brother knows all about the poppies" said Karzai." He knows how to make it into Smack and all that. He will be a valuable citizen of the US"
Except for the lives lost, service people maimed and wounded, and families destroyed, it appears like a win/win for both countries. American tobacco companies were rushing to Afghanistan to sell tobacco seeds to the poppy farmers and take over distribution of cigarette and tobacco products in that country. They have gone to their archives from the 1940's and are placing hundreds of billboards across Afghanistan that read, "Lucky Strike Green Has gone To war" "Not A Cough In A Carload" and a new billboard that shows the Marlboro Man dressed as a Taliban fighter. "Happy days are here again" said a company executive.
The Pentagon is also thrilled with the prospect. An official on condition of anonymity stated, "Look what this will do. We'll kill more Taliban than we could ever do with just troops. Of course, there will be collateral damage with thousands of Afghans dying of cancer, but not a lot different than here. It is definitely, a win/win for us"
The United States Department of Health and Human Services is reportedly considering the legalization of heroin. "Sure will cut down on our work" said a department official.
In other developments, the Department of Veterans Affairs has planned a new initiative for the returning veterans. Each returning veteran will now receive a straw mattress and a large cardboard box with "Welcome Home" printed on it and a map of all of the bridges in the country. "We are ready for them" said an official.
Breaking news: The Republican Caucus just announced that they are proposing legislation that will cut veterans benefits and a proposal to declare war on Iran and Puerto Rico. A reporter caught up with Congressman John Boehner as he was leaving the capitol building and asked, "Congressman Boehner, your resolution calls for war with Iran and Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico is part of our country!"
"Whatever," Boehner replied. "Excuse me now. I am late for a tee time"