Written by R. J. Stovall
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Topics: Americans, Vote

Wednesday, 25 August 2004

image for Voting Meaningless, Says FEC Chairman
FEC Chairman Bradley Smith

Federal Election Commission Chairman Bradley Smith explained to reporters today that an individual vote is effectively meaningless. "Look, there are 300 million Americans out there," Smith said, "You can't be so naive you think YOUR vote somehow will matter, can you?"

Smith went on to explain how voting can lead the rabble to feel like they have a say in their government, a necessary part of keeping a population subdued. His experience as FEC chairman, he says, "opened my eyes to true nature of power."

"What I can't understand", Smith continued, "is how people can be stupid or gullible, or both, enough to walk out of that voting booth with a smile on their face thinking it actually meant something."

"The last Presidential election was the closest in history, and it was still like 100,000 votes. Even THEN your vote meant squat!" The FEC head expressed fears that if the public realized the futility of voting and stopped altogether, he may lose his job. "If there's no election, theres no FEC. I'd probably go back into the elevator repair business."

In addition to the numerical meaninglessness of voting, the FEC chairman went on to explain how even the number of votes tallied can easily be controled.

According to Smith, the FEC has a number of ways to control the outcome of every election from the lowliest city treasurer all the way up to the President of the United States. "It's so easy, it should be against the law," Smith said about election tampering.

Smith's plans for this November include clever vote tallying, voter restriction lists, mis-cast votes, and cleverly wired adding machines to assure the outcomes of key elections. "And since September 11th," Smith said, "we've got this thing called 'Suspected Terrorist Voter Limitation Inititiative' from the boys over at Homeland Security. All we have to do is suspect someone, say 100 people here and there, of being even remotely tied to terrorists, and we yank their vote."

Asked if he knows who the next President of the United States will be Smith said, "Nice try, but I'm not about to ruin the suprise."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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