WASHINGTON, Nov. 25 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House this afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys.
The two pardoned turkeys, Courage and an unnamed "backup", will be the grand marshals at the Thanksgiving Day parade at Disneyland Resort in California, and, unlike the identical remaining estimated 45,999,998 turkeys, will not be confined, selectively bred, artificially inseminated, overfed, debeaked, electrocuted, disemboweled and dismembered because people particularly desire to eat their muscles in abundance on a specific day of the year. The pardoned turkeys were unable to comment due to the pressure of their genetically-enhanced breasts on their lungs; they was last seen trying unsuccessfully to hold themselves upright.
The president noted that his daughters Sasha and Malia encouraged him to spare Courage's life. Following the ceremony, the president's daughters backed up their principled humanitarian sentiments by joining their parents in passing out factory-raised frozen turkeys. Tomorrow night, the Obama family will further back up their sentiments by eating a turkey.
The president further noted that Courage and his companion will spend the rest of their lives in "peace and tranquility" at Disneyland, a theme park well known for its thunderous roller coasters, constant loud music and gawking tourists.
This is the 21st year in row in which a president has pardoned two randomly chosen turkeys for the non-crime of being turkeys but conveniently forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 other turkeys for the same non-crime.