What was supposed to be a day of rest and relaxation, football and family, turned ugly in New York as hospital emergency rooms were overrun with patients suffering a host of serious injuries.
"It's been ugly here", says E.R. Doctor Howie Stitchim from Mount Sinai Hospital. "We've seen severed fingers, hundreds of cases of food poisoning, and a host of other strange injuries."
Canvassing the waiting room and interviewing some of the bloodiest patients, one man was still holding his brand new carving knife and instructions. "There was a huge sale on carving knives at the outlet mall. Everyone was there", said one fingerless man who only wanted to be called "Fred". Holding out the carving instructions packed with the knife, Fred defended his condition by showing us one paragraph said, "Dip your knife handle in turkey grease before carving". Clearly a poor English translation for "Wipe your knife handle of turkey grease before carving".
One staff nurse commented about the average level of intelligence required to know that dipping a knife handle in grease might be a bad idea. Dr. Stichim replied, "Who knew these guys could even read."
Another group of patients appeared doubled over at the waist. It seems that all had tried a new Afghanistan recipe for Turkey Tartar. A little more research found that the recipe was posted by a fictitious chef known as Osama Bin Cooking. Most missed the subtle food terrorism plot, and were treated for E-Coli poisoning then released.
Another man suffered severe burns on his feet after trying to deep fry a "Turducken". "I got a great recipe from Madame Bitters on TheSpoof, but had too much oil in the pot. The Turducken fell in, the grease fell out. My neighbors said that the fireball was pretty cool though".
"The best story so far came from a man whose wife's birthday fell on Thanksgiving." Said Dr. Stichim. "He apparently bought her a new carving knive, a new roasting pan, and a new vacuum cleaner as well. The stab wounds will heal nicely, and the concussion received from the pan won't leave any lasting brain damage, but the suction tube from the vacuum will still need to be removed with rectal surgery."
"Remember, Turkey Tartar is not an appetizer, the remote control is not an aerobic exercise device, and knives should only be used by a semi intelligent adult", Dr. Stichim concluded. "Oh, and if you're stupid enough to buy wour wife a vacuum cleaner on her birthday, you get what you get."