Written by Trip Nasti
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Topics: Oprah Winfrey

Saturday, 21 November 2009

image for Goodbye Oprah. Winfrey show set to finally end in 2011
"IT WILL NOT BREAK!!"

We live in fast paced and ever changing world, where humankind races forward at an increasing rate of knots leaving a plume of historic dust in the past.

Take the last 25 years for instance. Where have we come from and where are we now?

25 years ago, featured on the front cover of Time magazine was a certain Mr Bill Gates. Bill was pictured balancing a floppy disk the size of a table top on his finger beneath the headline, "COMPUTER SOFTWARE - I'm doing this in the name of porn".

Today, DVDs have done away with anything remotely floppy and with data storage media becoming increasingly smaller all the time, floppiness is definitely a thing of the past.

In the last 25 years we have seen the internet become an integral part of everyday life for a lot of people, along with cell phones, electric cars, GPS and Big Mouth Billy Bass.

More importantly though, for the last 25 years, we have grown up with a straight talking no nonsense surrogate mother, whom suckles us with her swollen chat show bosoms.

Yes, we have grown and matured over the last quarter of a century with histories greatest ever chat show host and all time human being, Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah was someone we could depend on and who we knew would always be there. That is until today.

To a packed Chicago television studio audience, Oprah, standing with her hands resting gently by her side, brightly lit against an otherwise dark stage with tears rolling down her cheeks, announced that The Oprah Winfrey Show will be retired in 2011.

Aghast at such news the crowd became very emotional which quickly turned to anger. The studio was completely destroyed leaving 7 people dead and another 24 seriously wounded.

Oprah's news has not been received particularly well by her doting fans.

We, however, would like to remember The Oprah Winfrey show for all of those memorable moments that we simply can't forget:

2006 - Kirstie Alley strips down to nothing more than some slowly rotating nipple tassels and a well placed fig leaf. 12 audience members were later treated for a severe case of giggles.

1988 - Oprah, after suffering constipation for quite some time, took an insanely large crap. Being so proud of her faecal prowess, Winfrey for the next four months dragged the turd everywhere with her on a little red wagon.

2005 - Tom Cruise, a soft furnishings manager from Delaware, challenged Oprah to find a better settee than the one he had brought in with him from his store. As part of Tom's now historical settee 'road test', he proceeded to jump up and down on it screaming, "It simply will not break. IT WILL NOT BREAK!!"

The news has hit not just the entertainment world hard but also the real world with crowds of people in sheer disbelief causing havoc and mayhem globally.

Some sceptics feel there could be more than meets the eye to Oprah's announcement to retire.

Something far more sinister.

Stores nationwide are reporting that sales of camping equipment, bottled water, tinned food and water wings have sky rocketed.

It is believed a paranoid populace are reading far too much in to Oprah's retirement.

One devoted member of the church of the holy Oprah said in her opinion, "the all powerful and all seeing Oprah has planned her retirement for 2011 so that she can spend some time with her family and friends before the end of the world", which is pencilled in for 2012.

Authorities are trying to calm the increasingly agitated masses but are finding it difficult. If the followers of Oprah are correct, not only are billions of people about to lose a regular house guest and surrogate mother, it turns out that 2012 is actually going to happen and we are all doomed.

With the entire nation in complete disarray, President Obama has been forced to declare a national emergency and call the Afghan security force in to bolster dwindling security staff numbers.

Oprah herself has called for calm and stated that her decision to retire in 2011 has nothing to do with 2012. But her followers know better.

Nostodamus actually predicted the end of the world would happen this way.

So, as our autumn years greet us, it looks like not only have we grown older and wiser with Oprah we are set to die along with her, just like every good cult follower should.

Make Trip Nasti's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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