President George W. Bush today denied allegations that his campaign remains directly responsible for the Swift Boat ads aimed at discrediting rival John Kerry's service in Vietnam.
Speaking to the White House lawn, President Bush presented evidence that his blame factor remained negligible in regards to the ad's defamatory content. In a surprisingly forthright statement, Bush admitted that he did not know what swift boats were, could not find Vietnam on a map, and had only seen a purple heart in his daily bowl of "Lucky Charms" cereal.
Indeed, the President continued, he had originally believed the ads were against his administration and the use of "really fast and cool boats" in Kennebunkport, Maine.
President Bush hastened to add that he has nothing but respect for the men and women who put their lives on the line to defend this great country. Unfortunately, the President revealed, his own service to the country had been disrupted by "pressing personal obligations and the knowledge that rich kids need not die like that."
"John F. Kennedy was my role model, too," Bush continued. "I knew I didn't want to end up with a bad back and have to sit in a rocking chair. I don't look good in a rocking chair."
Further, the President revealed, "I didn't need to go to war to write a book about courage. Why would I want to write a book when I can't even read one? That would be stupid."
Bush's claims that his administration was not to blame for the ads were met with disbelief by the Kerry campaign. John Kerry again urged the President to honor the citizens of the United States by discussing the issues and not engaging in dirty tricks. It is beneath the office of the President, Kerry contends, to engage in a policy of disinformation.
In response, President Bush pointed out that he has no information let alone disinformation and encouraged the Senator from Massachusetts to stop using big words just to "show off and confuse me".
How honorable, President Bush wondered, was a man who continued to use multisyllable words and complex sentences? If anyone is using dirty tricks, the President concluded, it is the democrat who tries to baffle the voters with abstract ideas that can not be sounded out but require a dictionary. That, Bush sneered, is unamerican and designed to denigrate the illiterate.