CHICAGO, IL - Chicago today fell into Lake Michigan, as Oprah Winfrey announced that her landmark television show will breathe its last in 2011.
The city and much of the nation are in turmoil after hearing the news, which Winfrey disclosed during today's show. Chicagoans have been reported to be jumping out of high-rise office buildings and in front of city busses. Suburban women are running into out into the middle of their cul-de-sacs crying, "WHY, OH GOD, WHY? NOW WHO WILL TELL US HOW TO LIVE OUR BEST LIVES??!"
Chicago Mayor Richard "Squeaky" Daley tried to calm the hoardes that spilled into downtown streets. "Uh, I know it's bad news, people, but come on, uh, we gotta keep our heads about dis ting here." He was then hit in the head with a tire iron.
One TV reporter tried to calm a woman who was screaming, "BUT SHE GAVE AWAY SUCH GOOD FREE STUFF! NOW LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING!," but the woman reeled onto Michigan Avenue and was hit by a speeding taxi.
Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has called out those few National Guardsmen who aren't in Iraq or Afghanastan to attempt crowd control, and he has declared martial law for the immediate future. Everyone is to stay in their homes, light a candle at their individual Oprah shrines and try to remain calm.