Democratic presidential nominee, Senator John Kerry has reluctantly produced his 1968 diary in order to once and for all defuse the row over his time in Vietnam. Kerry has repeatedly told his account of being aboard a gunboat in Cambodia on Christmas Day 1968, while the US government and President Nixon denied his being there.
Great military historians employing the latest investigatory techniques, confirm that Senator Kerry is drawing on his footwear apparel, more commonly referred to as smoking his socks. They came to this conclussion from a number of clues but primarily out of Lyndon B Johnson being the president at that time.
Historians caution those who snigger to remember what a great warrior Kerry is. Unlike Napoleon who fought year in year out, Admiral Nelson who saw action for an extended period, Generals like Lee, Jackson and the like caught in the forefront of terrible battles for years, Kerry was in battle for nearly 5 months.
Wait!! Not only was he in it for a whole five months he managed to get himself wounded three times in that time. Now the USJC Manual describes this as follows :
"Any soldier, sailor or airman who spends less than 6 months in a combat zone but somehow manages to be wounded more than once, shall be seriously misguided.
However before we get distracted, the real question is : Did Kerry lie about his time in Vietnam? As we all know, while many of us support the process in Iraq, what we don't support is a President and a Prime Minister who lied to get us there.
So it was vital for Kerry to dispel any doubts and he accordingly forwarded to us the pages of his diary for the 24th, 25th and 26th of December 1968. We make no comment thereon, simply reproducing their content herewith.
CAPTAIN'S STARDATE 24:12:68
Tried to join Conferates in North Carolina...turned left instead of right at Saigon....landed up in Cambodia..tried to contact President Lincoln on radio......they tell me he's dead.....war is hell!!
CAPTAIN'S STARDATE 25:12:68
Our only hope is for the government to send a rescue team to bring us out.....order crew to ditch anything American....means throwing my 'Brownie of the Year 1964' and 'Wendy the friendly Witch' medals over the side....I am angry at losing my Brownie Medal, it takes a lot of work to achieve 'model-like make-up' 3 weeks running.....
CAPTAIN'S STARDATE 26:12:68
I've tried 2 bullets before but neither got me sent home....this one needs to be on the money...crew are desperate....swearing at me.....like I should have known which way to turn at Saigon...craving ketchup..can't figure it out.....if only we could ketchup with the rest of the Swifts...I've got a date with a Vietnames girl whose father has made millions out of Soy Sauce.........
It's a rivetting read. Who knows this could be the first Confederate President....