Written by davoarid
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Topics: Government, Toilet

Saturday, 21 August 2004

image for John Kerry leaves the toilet seat up
John Kerry contemplating the new attack ads

WASHINGTON- A new advertisement that attacks Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has been released, as a group of Government employees calling themselves Custodial Workers for Truth (CWFT) have made a series of potentially damaging claims against Kerry, most notably that he leaves the seat up after using the toilet.

"John Kerry is a bad, dirty man," said assistant janitor Kenny Sandoval. "His deceit goes much further than merely leaving the seat up. He has, on more than one occasion, refused to even flush the toilet and, amazingly, he has never washed his hands after using the toilet. He has complained several times about the motion-detected water faucets, which is very curious. Although it's only speculative, one can only imagine that he desired to waste water, which contradicts his claims of being a great environmentalist. If he can't even use the bathroom facilities properly, how can he possibly be expected create new jobs?"

The Custodial Workers for Truth has created several televised advertisements which are set to air in several swing states next week. The group has six members, and all of them are janitors who have worked in Washington between 1984 and 2004, the length of Kerry's term. They were founded by Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, both members of George W. Bush's administration, and they've received funding from former president George H. W. Bush, but the group adamantly denies any partisan ties.

Kerry immediately denounced the ads, calling them perfidious, mendacious and an "infelicitous exemplification of partisan sophistry." He also noted that he has never seen or heard of any of the six members. Furthermore, of the six janitors, five of them were hired in the past week, and the sixth one was a janitor at a high school in Washington state.

"It's absolutely ludicrous for the Kerry campaign to claim we're a partisan organization," said John Ashcroft. "These CWFT is only interested in alerting the public about John Kerry's bathroom activities which are entirely relevant, as Kerry has made honesty and leadership the key issues of his campaign. Plus, I mean, I haven't heard Kerry complain about George Soros and the people at MoveOn.org and their Bush-bashing ads. This is just typical John Kerry, always trying to avoid the real issues at hand."

Tom Ridge also blasted Kerry's efforts at discrediting the janitors' testimony. "These janitors have admirably served their country, and for Kerry to imply that all of these workers are lying is deplorable and borderline treasonous. Why not let the American people decide for themselves who is telling the truth? If their claims turn out to be untrue, what has Kerry lost? The American people will simply dismiss the janitors' claim, and we'll be back to square one."

Chester Van Wechel, a janitor in the group, also firmly stood behind his organization's claims and goals. "We aren't a political organization; we have just as many Democrats as Republicans in our group. We're just trying to educate the public about Senator Kerry's bathroom duties, and how it reflects on his ability to lead our country."

"I urinated with John Kerry," Van Wechel said. "John Kerry cannot be trusted."

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