Written by Morgan Truce
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Thursday, 19 August 2004

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ALEXANDRIA VA (AP) Several members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have failed independent polygraph tests administered over the past week. The organization, which has charged that presidential candidate John Kerry was a coward rather than the Vietnam War hero his medals attest to---has become the focus of intense media attention.

Dwight Treadle, gave each of the swift boat veterans a so-called "lie detector" test in which he found that all of them were lying through their teeth!

"John O'Neill, "Swiftee" spokesman for Swift Boat Veterans for Truth was sweating so much throughout his questioning", said Treadle, "we needed to fire up two bilge pumps! It turns out that he was not even in the Navy, as he had claimed; he was a member of the Texas Air National Guard and has never even been in a rowboat. I found out that he was the coke dealer that kept George W. Bush in drugs for the entire time he was in the Guard. O'Neill pleaded with me not to spill the beans. When I told him that I was going to publish all the facts, he just pissed himself! He admitted that, not only did President Bush pay him for spreading lies about John Kerry, but Bush also paid him to bring a large box of crack cocaine to the White House every Wednesday morning."

Rear Adm. Roy Hoffman, USN (Ret.), it turns out, was never even in the military. During the Vietnam War Hoffman was a ringleader of Students For a Democratic Society (SDS), was busted for hashish and peyote possession four times, and met with spies from North Vietnam in Montreal on several occasions. "I am so ashamed of claiming to be a Rear Admiral all these years… I knew it would all come out one of these days. I just loved that white uniform which I picked up in an Army-Navy store in the Haight back in 1966. I'm so sorry for all the awful things I said about John Kerry. He's really a swell guy and should have been given the Congressional Medal of Honor for all his acts of heroism!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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