WASHINGTON DC - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced to a small disparate pool of reporters today that due to the weak U.S. economy and labor market a new ten prong approach to placing money in the hands of Joe the Six-pack will be implemented starting in December.
Bernanke said "significant economic challenges remain," with bankers constipated and the jobless rate above 15 percent. Speaking in Washington today, he said, "I was joking about using a helicopter. We have a much bettor plan of attack. Ten things we are starting now."
- The United States Government will pay your local and state sales taxes when you make a local purchase, so you don't have to.
- Income tax is abolished. Instead, Uncle Sam will match your paycheck with a check of its own to encourage you to actually work.
- There will be a bounty on homeless people of O100,000.00, which they will be able to use to buy a home.
- All federal prisoners will be put to work printing the new currency with Obambi's picture on it. They can bail their way out of prison with the money. Madoff will be the last in line for this program.
- Sacks of money will be launched by weather balloons. When the balloons burst, the money will float down on the masses. This will save on helicopter fuel.
- The government will pick up all rent checks and mortgage checks, rather than asking you to file for an income tax deduction.
- The government will pay every person, who refrained from attaining a criminal record, a living old-age pension after the ripe old age of 40.
- Cars that burn water and get 2,000 miles per gallon of water will be given to all citizens.
- Food will be made healthy, so health care costs will return to levels of the 1800's.
- Aspartame will be outlawed.
Bernanke was seen drinking a diet cola at the press conference. When questioned about it, he stated, "I can quit any time. Really."