Given her penchant for perfection and legendary working hours, Martha Stewart's eight month prison sentence: four in a women's penitentiary; four under house arrest, has been commuted with her appointment by President George W. Bush to take over Iraq for one year. He is hoping she will successfully whip the nation into shape like her mile high lemon meringue pie.
Taking command, Martha will start with weekly neighborhood cooking competitions between Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds. Christians, Hindus, pagans and atheists will also be encouraged to participate. There may or may not be only one god, but Martha is determined to include all new dishes in a cookbook titled: Entertaining Iraq Style. Three political figures are so enthusiastic they've submitted recipes for the introduction: Paul Bremmer, Get Out of Town Chili; Donald Rumsfeld, Beef Jerky; and George W. Bush, Seven Minute Fudge. Neighborhood cooking competitions will be supervised by NATO.
Also in the works is the restoration of the Garden of Paradise. Historians and archaeologists placed the Garden of Paradise in Iraq, and Ms. Stewart's Omnimedia team has designed a new garden type spa with Olympic size swimming pools, tennis courts, soccer fields, skating rinks, areas for track and field, cooking school, fly casting ponds, golf courses, hiking trails and fruit orchards. Apple trees have been discouraged.
Television crews will be embedded with the reconstruction team, reporting on the progress of the day and televising it over the Style network. Cost for the garden's restoration will be financed by Vice President Cheney's retirement package from Halliburton.
Other rebuilding projects will include cities, towns, streets, villages, roads, buildings, roofs, houses, schools, windows, removing all signs of battle. Following the clean up, interior design and landscape gardening will be reintroduced to the downtown and residential neighborhoods. This part of the project will be completed by those people who insisted Iraq had WMD.
In one year, Martha's time served, Entertaining Iraq Style published, the Garden of Paradise restored and Iraq a beacon to the world of a free society. While God may have expelled our ancestors from paradise, Martha is getting us back in.