Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 13 November 2009

image for Obama Sends Executive Order to Department of Education
Obama hopes that teachers will be happy with his reforms

Barack Obama has issued an Executive Order to The Department of Education, requiring that new standards be set for the teaching of children in public schools. The order is to be known as Executive Order #57 (after the number of states he claims are in the United States).

In the new policies for education, the President has decreed that:

No child shall be allowed to get a zero on any paper, regardless of the possibility that they do not turn one in. The effort to write down the assignment, look up the assignment in the book, or even look at the blackboard while the teacher is giving the assignment must be acknowledged with at least a passing grade.

Schools are not only responsible for seeing that children are fed a balanced breakfast and lunch, but a teacher or school administrator or employee must visit the home of each student on each evening to deliver a balances supper (and wash the dishes).

There will be no teaching of moral priciples in schools (especially those ending in "ity", such as responsibility, reliability, dependability). Children who do not receive this training at home, in church, or on the street will not have it brainwashed into them in schools.

Parents have the right to hold teachers financially responsible for their children not completing homework assignments or for getting poor grades. Teachers must begin purchasing malpractice insurance through ACORN Indemnity Corporation at their own expense.

Teachers in Sexual Education classes will begin teaching their students actual sex education, beginning at age eleven. Students will be shown such things as how to give and receive oral stimulation, how to masturbate (yourself and others), how to put on a condom (on yourself or another), and the best places to go to receive free birth control or abortions. "Dressing Slutty For Fun and Profit" seminars will be presented to girls beginning at age ten. Teachers caught in compromising positions with students, however, will be terminated and will not be allowed to profit from book or movie deals on their situations. Children must be taught that there is no stigma to being a 14 year old welfare mother of two.

These reforms will take place on January 1 of 2010.

In a non-related story, the legal age of consent for girls "in da hood" will also drop to age ten on that date.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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