FEMA officials today brought relief to the ravaged counties of Florida in the form of preprepared ballots. With houses and lives to rebuild, Vice President Dick Cheney assured, the voters of Florida will not need to worry themselves unnecessarily concerning the coming election.
Giving priority to the basic needs of Florida residents, FEMA officals have declared the rebuilding of polling places incidental to a healthy and functioning society. "No one likes to vote, anyways", one FEMA official declared when questioned.
Giving their time freely, young republicans spent endless hours filling out ballots in a fair and impartial manner. Using voter registration rolls provided by Governor Jeb Bush, republicans drafted during a weekly meeting of Skulls and Crossbones at Yale University took to their task and freed the nation from the "chad debate" by carefully punching through each choice at least twice.
John Ashcroft, in a written statement, offered his congratulations to the "fine young people who stepped up to the plate to free their fellow citizens of the arduous task of electing their own representatives." To forestall any claims of underhanded ballot tampering, Ashcroft further clarified that these young people descended from elite families with long track records of public service.
"One doesn't get into Yale, after all, without a keen mind and brave heart, " Ashcroft concluded with a smirk.
President Bush applauded the efforts of FEMA to bring immediate relief to the residents of the Florida counties hardest hit. Working closely with his brother Jeb, Bush declared the entire state of Florida in need of disaster aid and ballot replacement therapy. Bush hastened to add, however, that the Disney empire would not be placed on the list because it was, after all, "the happiest place on earth."
Or, as Governor Jeb Bush pointed out, mice can't vote.
FEMA officials have placed several other states on a list of projected disaster areas. The entire New England seaboard, high ranking FEMA insiders warn, could destabalize during the fall as "pretty falling leaves cause disorientation" in those living in affected areas. In a preventative measure, ballots are being readied to ship to any areas the President deems "unstable and potential disasters".