SAN ANTONIO - The world's most interesting man, Fernando Monte Verde, has come to the second largest city in Texas to meet with Amos Bob Figginfacker, owner of El Rancho Se Habla Grande Ranch located just outside of San Antonio.
Monte Verde who has faced more danger than all of the bullfighters in Mexico combined has come to make arrangements to hunt for the extremely dangerous and highly dreaded Chupacabra.
The Chupacabra, or goat sucker, has been the subject of countless newspaper stories, magazine articles, a Discovery Network documentary, and a special edition of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
"La Chupi," as it is referred to, has been said to be one of the ugliest looking creatures imaginable. Emmett Bob Figginfacker, grandson of Amos Bob Figginfacker, actually caught a Chupacabra on his grandfather's ranch back on the 3rd of September of this year.
When a star reporter for The San Antonio Sun Gazette Ruben O. Garcia asked Emmett Bob to describe what the Chupacabra looked like he replied that it was without a doubt the ugliest-looking, most hideous thing that he had ever seen.
He said that it was hairless and gray in color. It had fire engine red eyes and it looked like something that had been mauled by a pack of javelinas (wild boars).
When asked if he could describe it in terms of a person, Emmett Bob thought for a second and then said that the best way he could put it was to say that the Chupacabra looked like a cross between Amy Winehouse and Andy Dick.
"Damn that is one serious case of ugly." Garcia remarked.
"Yep, that it tis my friend." Emmett Bob replied.
Fernando Monte Verde has dined with kings and queens, he had had lunch with CEOs and senators, and he has had dinner with movie stars, sports figures, and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Monte Verde recently appeared on an episode of Dancing With The Stars.
On the show he revealed to host Tom Bergeron how he had once been on top of a rumbling volcano high in the Himalayan Mountains of Tibet and danced the cha cha cha, the samba, the rumba, the mambo, the paso doble, and the hokey pokey while side-stepping gurgling streams of red hot molten lava.
Monte Verde (pronounced MON-te GREEN) is noted throughout the world as the silver-haired, silver-bearded, and silver-tongued hombre who in his lifetime has drunk more Dos Equis Beer than all of the teenagers in Tijuana, Mexico combined.
Monte Verde is a man who has been seen with some of the world's most beautiful women including Miss Spain, Miss Sweden, Mrs. Italy, and Miss Mississippi just to name the four most sensuously erotic ones.
He has climbed Mount Everest three times including once while blindfolded and while carrying a stray cocker spaniel.
He has swam the freezing waters of the English Channel in the middle of winter wearing nothing but socks while not even being able to feel his fingers, his toes, his belly button, or his wiener.
He has floated down the Zambezi River in Africa on a canoe made out of jungle vines and rhino lips while having poison darts shot at him by members of the highly dysfunctional Jigabusha Tribe.
The damn Jigabushas are a crazed jungle tribe whose members brag that they eat skunk for breakfast, tarantulas for lunch, and then for dinner they eat a type of salad made up of pack rat legs, scorpion tits, and grasshopper vaginas.
Yes, the Jigabushas are definitely one African tribe whose eating habits certainly leaves something to be desired.
In fact the word on the streets of Nairobi is that even the meanest cannibal tribe in all of Africa the Zumayates have said that they would not eat a member of the Jigabusha tribe even if they were on the verge of utter starvation.
Fernando Monte Verde has seen the evils of the world. He has known the most diabolical of the diabolical. He has broken bread with leftover Nazis in Argentina. He has had wine with the last surviving Kamikaze pilot, Hiro Matsubashi who only managed to survive because he lost the American battleship the USS Massachusetts in the sun.
Monte Verde has been on top of a two ton Indian elephant who suddenly went crazy and stampeded running for a full three hours before Monte Verde was able to reach down and cut off his nuts (the elephants) causing the elephant to fall to the ground like a friggin fat bowling ball.
Ferny, as his sister calls him, has jumped off the 1,250 foot Royal Gorge Bridge in Canon City, Colorado using four regular sized handkerchiefs tied together as a parachute.
The bravest hombre of the bravest hombres has spent a week in the mosquito infested, anaconda overflowing jungles of the Amazon, where he survived by eating nothing but monkey elbows, parrot tongues, piranha hormones, crocodile nostrils, Blueberry Pop Tarts, and iguana ovaries.
The Cuban stud has run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain; Guadalajara, Mexico; and East Los Angeles, California.
He has made love to women while swimming in the Pacific Ocean at a depth of almost 16,000 feet.
He has slept on the sands of the Kalahari Desert wearing only boxer shorts with the daytime temperature reaching 117 degrees and the nighttime temperature going down to 13 degrees.
But has Monte Verde ever once known fear? Has he ever hesitated? Has he ever complained that he was coming down with the flu and he better not do this or do that? No, and not only no, but hell no, damn no, and shit no.
The Hispanic hero does not even know how to spell the word fear. Yes he knows it begins with a friggin F, but that's all.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: In all honesty, I am sure that Mr. Monte Verde does know how to spell the word fear, but Abel (Rodriguez) is using his writer's license here to make a journalistic point by showing just exactly how mother effen tough this Fernando Monte Verde son-of-a-bitch dude actually is.]
And so as the Texas sun sets slowly in the west, the world's most interesting man will hopefully come face-to-face with the infamous Chupacabra.
Monte Verde says that when he kills "La Chupi" he will mount her on the wall of his master bedroom in his $8.8 million Beverly Hills mansion La Casa Con Huevos.
SIDENOTE: Before Fernando Monte Verde could make it out to Figginfacker's El Rancho Se Habla Grande Ranch, he received an emergency phone call. The call was from Portsmouth, England, and it was from his good friend, the well known British author and military strategist Sir Spoofer Skoob requesting that he meet with him immediately regarding Great Britain's upcoming highly secretive Christmas Eve invasion of North Korea.