Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Police, Crime

Tuesday, 17 August 2004

image for Arrest Incident Spurs Copycat Crime Wave!

NEW YORK (AP) 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallace is no stranger to keeping himself in the public spotlight. The aging TV personality managed to make national headlines when he was arrested for scuffling with police over a parking ticket and exhibiting his well-known "overly assertive" manner.

Quick to capitalize on the trend to copy criminal publicity stunts, several high-profile celebrities tried to get themselves arrested in order to keep their names in the headlines.

King of Pop Michael Jackson, who has been unable to get any kind of publicity since having the 63rd operation on his nose, jumped up on top of a police cruiser parked outside a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. In spite of inflicting many dents and scratches to the roof of the police car, Mr. Jackson was unable to attract the attention of the two policemen at the counter drinking their new doughnut beverage. Michael Jackson left the scene in the company of several young boys.

Avril Lavigne had her limousine driver double park outside a police station, but was unable to attract the attention of any uniformed officer. "This isn't fair! Why can't I get arrested?" asked the Canadian singer.

Britney Spears and Madonna tried to French kiss an off-duty transit police officer. The officer seemed to show little interest in the scantily clad women and continued spray painting graffiti on the wall of the subway station. Hearing about Britney and Madonna's rejection, Paris Hilton vowed that she would track down the same transit policeman and make him paint some graffiti on her.

Senator John Kerry threw one of his many extra combat medals into a Washington DC trashcan and was promptly arrested and severely beaten by four members of the Homeland Security Secret Police. Despite several phone calls placed by the near-unconscious Kerry, no reporter would come to the scene.

Dan Castellaneta walked into a Hollywood police station and, using his best Homer Simpson voice, told the desk sergeant that he had just murdered his wife, Maggie Simpson and threw her body in a dumpster. The sergeant promised Dan that he would look into the matter after lunch.

L.A. Laker's star Kobe Bryant raped a female vice squad officer in Los Angeles in an attempt to draw some publicity away from his trial in Colorado. Afterwards the officer thanked him and asked for his autograph.

Back in New York, CBS executives announced that Mike Wallace would try to get arrested for littering and public indecency next Thursday morning so that the film crew could get the story ready for the Sunday evening 60 Minutes show.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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