Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Baseball, Kanye West

Thursday, 12 November 2009

image for Sammy Sosa To Market His Amazing Face Whitening Cream
Sammy Sosa before the nostril liposuction and facial whitening.

PHILADELPHIA - Ex-major league superstar Sammy Sosa was recently in the 'City of Brotherly Love' to speak at a Linguistic Convention.

As he walked up to the podium a collective sigh could be heard throughout the convention center.

Everyone noticed that Sosa's complexion was a lot lighter than when he was playing for the Chicago Cubs from 1992 to 2004.

As Sammy began to speak someone in the audience hollered out, "Hey dude what the hell happened to your face? Damn you look like Glenn Beck?"

Sosa smiled and said that he wanted to address something that he knew most people were probably wondering about. He said that yes, his kinky hair has gotten straighter since he started using The Cleopatra Straight Hair Formula XX-9, a hair grooming product that he readily endorses.

He also noted that he is sure that a lot of people happened to notice that he had gotten an ear tuck to make both of his ears not stand out so much. He had this done back in May at Boston's prestigious Our Lady of Las Orejas Hospital.

Sammy said that just this past Labor Day he traveled to Budapest, Hungary to have Hungary's famed liposuction specialist Dr. Zigmond Zygfreed perform extensive liposuction on his stomach, ankles, nostrils, and both tonsils.

Sosa also admitted that last August he visited with the world famous Dr. Shirley Shickowitz in Beverly Hills and he had a very personal procedure done.

He said that he had managed to keep it a secret until last week when Larry King told Ryan Seacrest that he'd had some womanly cellulite removed from his outer upper right thigh.

Sosa also admitted, since King had already revealed it, that Dr. Shickowitz also had removed an estrogen filled mole that had started growing on his left breast.

The ex-major league slugger was asked about his face and why it was now white, kinda like Michael Jackson's face.

Sammy smiled and said that the facial whitening was the direct result of a skin softening cream that he started using last year.

He said that over a period of time he noticed two things. One his skin was not really getting softer and two, his face was starting to turn white and taking on a Lou Dobbs-like complexion.

Sosa said that he panicked. He said that his wife was shocked and she began calling him "Whitey." His maternal grandmother Consuelo De Los Consuelos stated that she was afraid that her little "Sambito" had gotten into the bleach bottle.

The former Cubs star has stated that he plans on purchasing the rights to the whitening cream and marketing it under the name, Sammy Sosa's So You Wanna Be White Cream.

Sosa said that the cream is so good and has such great results that if used properly it could make Oprah Winfrey look like Kirstie Alley in two to three months.

It is being reported on VH-1 that when Kanye West heard about Sammy's new whitening cream he remarked that he did not need to go anywhere near that stuff.

He said that he already had enough problems being a black-ass punk without him becoming a white-ass punk that was once a black-ass punk.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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