Most of you have spent a lifetime trying to lose weight without much success. Two reasons dominate : Firstly it's too slow and secondly you can't take your mind off food. Herein lies the problems? Not really the secret is not in what you eat but where you eat it and under what circumstances.
Don't let me catch anyone sniggering. In particular those of you who are currently in the 250 - 300 pound category who have tried every diet from the Scarsdale to the Atkins.
First of all everyone knows that a lack of sleep coupled with endless frantic pacing all night, is a wonderful place to start. The way to achieve that is to phone all your neighbours pretending to be the FBI and confirming that they must watch you as there is good reason to suspect you are a member of Al Quaida.
Within ten minutes of your last call you should start to feel the local anger and suspicion. Just to make sure call your local estate agents as well - nothing pisses off the neighborhood like the bottom falling out of their property market.
Now you are ready for your first night at home under the National Geographic Diet. If you find that the bricks through your windows and lynch mob don't instil fear then grab a steak and french fries and pop outside for your meal.
Ah you're back. Tired puddytat? Thought not. Now pace that carpet, pace it baby pace it. Getting brave? Pop outside and watch them erecting the scaffold. The Grand Dragon and who have arrived?
Two weeks gone by? Shed a few pounds? Only 50, that's as if you haven't been on diet. No, the truth is that to lose the big pounds we have to take you on the National Geographic Diet's Away Leg.
The first month you will be able to eat as much as you want. Of course, of course just like many other diets. The difference here is that you will be eating it in Ethiopia and as much as you like, means as much as the locals will sacrifice to allow you to feed yourself.
Of course you can always stay at home with the neighbours, while we pop around and give them your paedophile registration number.
So you enjoyed Ethopia even though you're too weak to walk? Small price to pay for your new slimmer you. Yes we are aware that you are pacing at night and that you have developed a terrible twitch but we notice that they live in a frame 120 pounds lighter.
Now we start our final leg of the NGD. It's a trip to Najaf with a cross tatoed to your head. In addition we have taken the liberty of resigning you from your job, just to restoke the worry oven. Burn calories burn!!
Back already huh? Yes we saw you on CNN we thought they were World War II pictures from Poland. Can you believe that you once weighed 280 pounds and you now come in at under a quarter of that?
The small price of losing your family, your job, your house, your friends and most of your health must seem like a small price to pay. Easy too, all you needed was the inspiration and location that our diet provides.
It's not what you eat but where you eat it and under what circumstances.