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Monday, 16 August 2004

image for Republican's Worry: Bush Loses Debate to Stem Cell

Washington, D.C.

Returning to the White House after a day spent comforting victims of the hurricane in Florida, President Bush was drawn into an impromptu debate as he stopped to address a gathering of the press.

A Stem Cell, also known as lot ast-2442, confronted the President and demanded an explanation that would clarify the lack of federal funding for stem cell research. With millions facing chronic and debilitating diseases, A Stem Cell queried, how could a legitimate and caring government halt the progress of science. Just this very day, A Stem Cell continued, Bush had announced to the residents of Florida that the government's business was helping its citizens.

President Bush, clearly taken aback, stated for the record that stem cell research was immoral and, therefore, the government would not fund immoral work by doctors who are immoral and bad. Bad, Bush clarified, because they were tampering with stem cells and that was immoral.

Hecklers in the crowd held up blank placards while chanting, "I am George's brain!" Though the Secret Service tried to wrestle the placards away, the chanting grew loud enough to unnerve the President.

Shouting them down, President Bush declared with great fervor, "I have no brain, so there."

A Stem Cell, it was noted by this reporter, rushed to reassure the President that he, A Stem Cell, could help the President with this persistent problem.

Condie Rice, representing the White House this morning, issued a statement that decried the ambush of the President as he returned from a humanitarian mission. Bush cares deeply, Rice proclaimed, for the people and voters of Florida.

Further, Rice declared, it is believed by the White House that A Stem Cell is an "imposter" and a recent convert to the stem cell ranks. Indeed, the White House today offered documentation which clearly indicates that A Stem Cell is "unfit to cure". To back up their claims, the White House released a short video in which other stem cells relayed stories of A Stem Cell's less than flattering behavior in the lab and the favoritism shown by certain reseachers in praising A Stem Cell's potential.

President Bush, meanwhile, pushed through an emergency bill to rapidly rebuild polling places in Florida that had been destroyed by the storm.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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