Written by The Pipinator
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Topics: White House

Tuesday, 17 August 2004

In a stunning new development, it has been revealed that a high-level position will be added to the President's cabinet.

Dr. Anthony Browne-Baer, who holds numerous advanced degrees in English, Botany, Speech Therapy, Marine Biology, Foreign Languages, and Automotive Repair, will shortly be responsible for checking Mr. Bush's speeches for grammar, spelling, and accuracy of information.

"It's really a shame", said Browne-Baer, "that someone in Mr. Bush's position should be giving such awful speeches to the American people. Take the word "nuclear", for example. Who on earth is it in the White House who allows Mr. Bush to pronounce it 'nu-cyu-ler'? Why, I'd have that little whippersnapper sitting in the corner with no dinner until he used proper enunciation!"

It is not immediately clear where the order to hire Brown-Baer originated, but sources say that staff members, embarrassed to be associated with someone who says "terrists", "misunderestimated", "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test'' , and other insults to the human ear, have sent anonymous letters and suggestions, all to no avail. Now it appears they've gotten serious.

One staff member who has asked not to be named said, "I really don't know how long I can go on like this. I'm having nightmares now. Big horrible circus clown faces with very large pointed ears and wearing ugly flowered dresses invade my sleep at night repeating the same thing over and over again: "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case". The pressure is getting to me, and also to most of my co-workers. We had to do something! I mean, we're willing to pay Dr. Brown-Baer out of our own salaries if we have to!"

In the final moments of our interview with Dr. Brown Baer, he graciously posed for a picture holding the book, titled "Someone Ate My Pet Goat", with which he intends to start training Mr. Bush. Asked if he thought it would be a particularly difficult task ahead of him, Dr. Browne-Baer replied, "I've never had a job this challenging, but I vow to give it everything I've got. If time permits, I'll also instruct him in the proper use of a mountain bike."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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