The White House revealed today that President George W. Bush had been admitted to Walter Reed hospital. Originally slated for an outpatient procedure, Doctor Billy Bobbitt Boudreaux elected to keep the ailing President for an overnight observation.
Boudreaux, who almost passed his Neurological Boards, released a statement through the hospital's press office admitting that the President's Brain Enema had not gone as smoothly as planned. Apparently, the President's thought constipation had gone untreated such a period of time that Bush now had "shit for brains".
Though considered an unusual diagnosis, Boudreaux explained that the highest rate of this particular disease has been reported in the Washington D.C. area. Indeed, journal articles have found that white men in the higher economic brackets serving the federal government in an elected capacity are at high risk to become constipated in thought.
Experts from the first Fleet division were called to Walter Reed to administer high velocity hot water flushes. While the President is reported to be resting comfortably, special intelligence teams are on hand to sort through the discharged matter to confiscate any matters pertaining to National Security.
The President's condition first came to light when he was observed using a microwave in the presence of Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney, once revived by the Secret Service, called for medics to see to the President. Concern for the President ran especially high when Bush initially refused a cat scan because he claims to be "a true Texan and dog person". Luckily, a picture book was located and the procedure was explained.
It is believed that the President will be fully recovered for the convention and ready to take the podium with his usual flare. In addition to the usual fare of political gladhanding, Bush promises to light up the night with a "thousand points of light" that he hopes to borrow from his father, the former President Bush. However, since it has been a number of years since his father held office, the current President Bush cautions that it may be a few hundred points of light due to Clinton's misuse of intelligence warning of diminishing points of light across the country.