Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Friday, 13 August 2004

image for Schwarzenegger Admits He's Not Gay

Sacramento - Seeking to dispel rumors that he is gay, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger issued a statement on the California state website assuring his constituents that he, in fact, is not.

The unfounded claims began swirling around the northern California capitol late yesterday evening after it was discovered that Schwarzenegger and newly outed New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey shared a room at the Governor's Camp in Arlington, VA earlier this summer.

The website claims that the two governors doubled up in one room "purely as a cost saving move", noting that "both states (California and New Jersey) are quite deep into the red." Gov. Schwarzenegger also used the statement to distance himself from McGreevey. "He was a nice guy, we had some laughs, but at the end of the night he slept on his side of the bed and I slept on my side." The California Governor also recalled wanting to phone the front desk to request a cot, but he says he didn't "want to seem homophobic."

The rumor mill has been very unkind to Schwarzenegger over the past few months. His "girly men" comment about Democratic lawmakers branded him a passive-aggressive homophobe, which only added fuel to the whispering that California First Lady and wife Maria Shriver has "male and female parts".

While Schwarzenegger was fighting his own PR battles in California, media attention is still highly focused on the East, or as it is now know, the "Fruit" Coast. Wire reports early on Friday morning indicated that Gov. Jim McGreevey would be making yet another startling revelation at a press conference set to take place at the Governor's Mansion at 3pm local time.

Inside sources say that after a visit with doctors McGreevey is feeling much better and will apparently rescind his resignation. One unidentified aide noted that this episode was merely just a case of mild "dehydration", and that after resting for twenty-four hours and drinking some fluids, "the Governor did not feel at all gay."

"It has been a hot summer in New Jersey this year, and with the Governor's busy schedule, apparently he just didn't consume enough water." McGreevey even spent last night "watching football and resting."

The aide went on to say that the press conference would address these issues and McGreevey would apologize for the mistake.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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