In a press conference Wednesday, Senator John Kerry claimed President George W. Bush has been utilizing dark magic against him. Said Kerry, "Over the past few days, I have been the target of numerous dark magic attacks at the hands of President Bush. I had hoped for a fair campaign out of the Republicans, but apparently my opponent feels the need for dirty tricks. The bizarre and erratic behavior I've displayed recently is directly caused by Bush's voodoo magic."
The press conference follows a string of events in which Kerry has exhibited odd behavior. Last week, Kerry paused midway through a speech, yelled, "I eat babies!" and reportedly had to be restrained from leaping into the audience. On Sunday, several civilians claim they saw a man resembling Kerry jogging naked through a park in Baltimore picking wildflowers.
The most bizarre event for Kerry occurred a day later during a speech in Baltimore. According to several eyewitnesses, Kerry stumbled to the podium and mumbled something about purple hearts. He then burst into tears and screamed, "Daddy needs his medicine!" several times before two men draped a thick blanket over him and ushered him off the stage.
Late in Wednesday's press conference, Kerry was discussing stem-cell research when he broke out into a strange African warrior dance. He chanted, "Ooomba-shoomba-gooomba-doo" while stomping the floor and staring at the podium. He quickly snapped out of it, saying, "See what I mean? It's Bush's voodoo magic. I can't control it!"
When asked how long Bush has been casting dark magic on him, Kerry said, "He's been putting spells on me for a long time. Look at my face; I didn't always use to look like this. A few years ago I had a face like a baby. Now it is melting away." While pointing to his face, he cried, "Nature didn't do this! It's all Bush!"
In response to Kerry's accusations, President Bush issued this simple written statement to the press: "I have never, in any way, participated in any sort of voodoo magic or any magic at all. Well, I did have a magic kit when I was a child, but I stopped playing with it after I lost the wand. It just wasn't the same without the wand. Hey, none of you press people have found it, have you? It looks like this. [crudely drawn picture of a wand] If any of you find it, would you let me know? Thanks bunches.
President George Washington…. Bush