Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: PETA, Meat

Thursday, 29 October 2009

image for PETA Pickets Poughkeepsie Picnic

Poughkeepsie, NY - Taking advantage of accidental publicity surrounding one large New York family's reunion picnic plans, local New York and New Jersey chapter members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals surrounded the picnic grounds and reportedly threw rotten vegetables at the family this past Saturday.

Following an innocent business news report last week on lower beef prices statewide, interviewed Poughkeepsie butcher shop owner Sal Vitale, casually mentioned that his extended family would celebrate with a huge barbeque. Not missing an opportunity to spread their message of meat hate, PETA organized the march on the picnic grounds and called the press to record the conflict.

PETA members reportedly formed a circle around the group of nearly 100 while shouting accusatory meat eating epithets at them including, "Masticator", "Calf Killer", and "Protein Punks". The encounter remained civil until moldy tomatoes and limp celery stalks were tossed at the family. Witnesses say it was then when a number of large men with greased New Jersey hair broke family ranks to confront the vegetarians, while carrying kitchen prep knives, shovels and a bag of lye.

Tommy Nobrane and Sammy DeShivem from the family told reporters, "We didn't mean them no harm. We love our alfalfa eating neighbors. We wish then good fortune on their way to their next bowl of carrot soup." Police were called and eventually dispersed the PETA crew, though arrested 17 picnic attendees on other outstanding warrants.

Organizer for the PETA picnic march, Hugh Japples, could not be reached for a follow up statement the next day. He and several members from local PETA chapters have been reported missing and feared to be fertilizing vegetable gardens in and around the state of New Jersey. Neighbors confirm however, that they are all hiding together in the produce section of a local Whole Foods store.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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