Ford's manufacturing plant in Dearborn Michigan was rocked today, by the discovery that the "testing area" at the end of the production line was severely contaminated. The area, used to run finshed cars, was completely unusable due to bird's nests having blocked the vents and preventing gasses from escaping.
Professor John Best told a packed media gallery that on his arrival he had found a distraught worker retching outside the building. "He was psychotic, raving about having served in Vietnam for 4 months, meeting Jane Fonda and then throwing away his medals".
"You can't have dangerous people like this roaming the streets of America!! It's an outrage. I immediately went to summon the plant supervisor and we frantically tracked down the source of the problem".
Professor Best then described the scene that confronted them inside the Testing Area. "It was horrendous, hundreds of men and women stumbling around, completely out of touch with reality. One poor soul, fat as a baby Hippo, was crying as if calling for it's mother then babbling on about America attacking Afghanistan to create an oil pipeline. We managed to stabilise him with a polemisectomy which involves cutting out his voice box".
Couldn't that have killed him professor? "We weren't sure but it was a chance we were willing to take!!. I immediately called for all available medical back-up to evacuate the injured to clinics and hospitals".
What is the prognosis professor? These people have obviously suffered terrible trauma and brain damage. "Firstly let me say immediately that this kind of exposure means that we cannot treat these people. The answer lies in placing them with companies where there 'skills' may be of use."
"Let us look at some examples" he went on. "We have an individual who is completely brain dead. In the ordinary course we would have no use for such a man but fortunately Alex Spanos has offered him a position as Head Coach of the San Diego Chargers".
"In addition his wife who lost most of her brain in a freak schmelting accident will, be used as a "victim" for Dr Phil on the Oprah show. But it's not all good news I'm afraid. Some of the men who were right in the middle of the fumes lost almost all thinking capacity. They are all waffling on about known knowns, unknown knowns and the like. They are going to be locked away permanently as they are considered to be too dangerous to be left to roam about."
The professor concluded by saying that these are early days in the fight to find respite and security for the victims of Ford's biggest disaster yet. He did point out that the human brain is what seperates us from the rest and when that goes the horrendous results are there for all to see.