Clearwater, Florida - Tired of crazy allegations that they believe in a Galactic Warlord named Zenu, Tom went on Oprah Winfrey's show to set the record straight.
"No", said Tom, "We do not believe in Zenu. His name is Xenu, and he is an intergalactic warlord, not merely galactic."
Tom also dispelled myths about the practice of "disconnection". He pointed out that the church does not punish or sanction you for spending time with family members who are not members in good standing. They simply offer a system of rewards to those that voluntarily choose to shun everyone they used to know.
"Food can be a great reward", remarked Tom. "Also, having anything at all to do with the church is it's own reward."
But what of the fact that the Church was actually the creation of a science fiction writer who lied about his background and achievements, and has since died?
"Lies", said Tom flatly. "L. Ron Hubbard was a great man, the inventor of atomic power, the discoverer of seven continents - previously only inhabited by pre-clears - and he's not actually dead, he's on another planet, introducing Dianetics and The Way to Happiness to them. At least those with usable currency."
Oprah then thanked him for clearing all that up, and moved on to her next guest, Suzanne Somers and her new book, "How I Kicked Cancer's Ass with the Power of the ThighMaster".