Washington - President Bush today announced a drastic change in how the current Homeland Security Color Chart would be interpreted. The change, instituted jointly with Sec. Tom Ridge, would allow for a "hindsight provision" to be added in the days after the terror level is raised.
Termed "Opposite Day", the plan would allow either President Bush or Sec. Ridge to declare any false alarm based on old or poorly gathered intelligence null and void. Sec. Ridged stated that the general public would be made aware of the reversal through a blanket press release entitled "oly oly oxen free".
Standing beside Ridge at this morning's press conference, Pres. Bush clarified the use of "Opposite Day".
"Ya'll remember in elementary school when someone would ask you if your were ‘dumb or smart' and you would say ‘smart'. Then they'd tell you it was ‘opposite day' and that you just labeled yourself a dumbass?" As the press corps sat dumbfounded the President continued, "Well that is kind of what we're gunning for here. Bad intelligence causes a unwarranted raise in the terror level, and crazy pressure from the left? It's like all Tommy has to do is like ‘sike'. Free and clear."
While it is general knowledge that opposite day tends to fall on Wednesdays the President indicated that he would use his executive power if needed to make any day of the week fair game.
All of this planning is sure to be in response to the latest round of terror alerts that now appear to have been based on 3-4 year old intelligence. That has prompted less than cordial responses from both sides of the isle in the Senate, and a call to hasten the introduction of another top intelligence position as recommended by the 9/11 commission.
President Bush did not deny this claim when it was brought up in the press conference question and answer session, but he did say that this was something that had been "on the back burner for a while."
Bush noted that he wished he had possessed this type of power years ago when his mistakes were less public, but somewhat more embarrassing. Even though the President has amended his ways and cut out the all night binge drinking, the source of much of the regret, he let on that he was still not out of the woods when it came to making regrettable gaffes. "Why just the other day I told (the First Lady) that her dress kind of made her look bloated," Bush smirked. "I only wish I had this plan in place then."