Taos, New Mexico - In this sleepy town of 5,000 potheads, new agers, spics, injuns, liberals and ne'er-do-wells, strode in a new Sheriff, this one who bought a run down hotel for 2 million, and thought it was his for having done so.
Not so, shrieked the lazy wetbacks there who believed that they were the owners for having listlessly pushed dust rags around for a few years. These south of the border sissies believed that they had the right to do as they pleased, and damn their gringo boss.
But they'd soon learn better from former Marine Whitten.
"Don't speak Spanish in front of me, I don't know what 'blanco maricon grande' is, but I'm sure it's not good."
"Don't use your spic names, no one wants to have to deal with a Jose or Juan in this nation."
"But I had them on the strawberries, I proved with geometrical logic that the bell boy must have stole them."
Actually, that last line was from his friend Captain Queeg of the U.S.S. Caine, but nevermind. Whitten could have said it.
Mr. Whitten (or sir, or Massuh), justified his desire for those around him to change their names. "Nothing more than I've done", he reported. "My family used to be McBogtrotter, we changed it to Whitten when we came to America from Ireland."
As to his employees speaking Spanish, he points out that it's hard to maintain discipline when someone's always saying "muy estupido" whenever you pass by, and you don't know what that means.
The residents of this tiny town of hippies and dippies are, of course, up in arms. "How dare he come in here with his 2 million dollars to revitalize this ailing town, and actually expect efficiency and professionalism? Doesn't he realize that we're all injuns, spics and bums here?", said Mayor Running Bull Menendez.
But the Marine remains defiant. "While I wasn't trying to upset anyone, I will have order. Or else. I expect that if my ancestors could eat shit when they first got here, that so can these guys. And I further expect that my latest rule - jus primus noctis - will be followed, at once."
With that he went back to his suite to wait for the first wife.