Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: George W. Bush, Iraq

Wednesday, 11 August 2004

image for Presidential Candidates Vie for "Foghat" Vote
"Cheney (edited) Rocks My World"

Warren, MI - Divided on issues such as healthcare, education, and the handling of the war in Iraq, George W. Bush and John Kerry seem to disagree on many key issues in this election year. One particular subject however has recently caught the eyes of both candidates.

In the year of the "NASCAR dads" and the "Gen X Female" swing voters, another group has pushed to the forefront to capture the political spotlight. The "Foghat Vote", as it has been termed during the last week of campaigning, describes middle-aged, blue collar males in the industrial states such as Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, and western Pennsylvania. Polls reveal that many of these men are still undecided. On one hand, a large union presence would suggest a liberal, Democratic vote, while on the other the sentiment is growing among the 1.5 million identified "Foghatters" that they would rather not "vote along side of extremist groups like the hippies, celebrities, and minorities."

Michael Mertz, president of the Southeast Michigan Foghat Alliance, welcomed the spotlight saying that this type of attention can only help rekindle interest in the band that once rocked the FM airwaves. Mertz particularly enjoyed the fact that John Kerry barreled into the Warren Town Meeting blasting the 1975 hit Slowride. "I used to get my game on when that song started playing," stated Mertz as he methodically swayed to the heavy baseline in his head. "We'd just get high and screw back then." He added, "I bet that's how Johnny and Teresa roll too."

Another Town Meeting attendee Jim Martin stuck up for the current President and alleged "closet" Foghat fan George W. Bush. Martin rationalized that "Bush had to be a HatHead back in the 70's", because "cokeheads loved Ride, Ride, Ride. Hell I'd get geeked up and play it over and over until my 8-track player went down."

Later in the day, Democratic nominee for Vice President John Edwards spoke about his love and admiration for people who listened to great albums like 1974's Rock and Roll Outlaws and the 1977 Live Album. "My father was a Foghat fan," Edwards affirmed, "and everyday he would come home from the mill and it would be Lowrider time."

Many of the citizens of Warren were particularly enamored with the Edwards speech, but a few came away from the presentation "kind of grossed out by that thing he does with his tongue."

As both campaign buses loaded up to head to the next hard rockin' hamlet, Dick Cheney unexpectedly stepped back off of the bus to challenge a protestor. Cheney informed the young man that "if I ever see you at one of these (edited) rallies again I will cut your (edited) off and feed them to (edited) for lunch, you stupid (edited) (edited)."

The tirade prompted one Foghat fan in the crowd to conclude, "Now that's (edited) Rock ‘N Roll, man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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