Washington DC - FBI Director Dana Scully-Mulder has ordered that any reports of alien abduction must now be considered as kidnappings. All agents have been mandated to investigate any alien abduction with the latest in crime-solving forensics. Evidence is to be collected, as with any other crime scene.
"We must take this very seriously. Many thousands of Americans are abducted by aliens each year. Their rights have been violated and they have been victims of a serious crime. Justice must be pursued." said Director Scully-Muller with a grim tone to her voice.
Director Scully-Muller is very concerned with reports of anal probes being used on unwilling kidnap victims. She noted new medical imaging technologies are giving investigators remarkable results.
"We immediately take any abduction victim to a local hospital for advanced computerized tomography of their bruised colon and rectum. We now have proof that the same alien anal-probe has been used on dozens of people. It looks just like a human penis." she noted.
Director Scully-Mulder noted there are only two questions about aliens worth pursuing.
"We need to know why the aliens are here. More importantly, we need to know why they have such an anal fixation. What is wrong with them." she asked rhetorically.