Bronx, New York - Beloved comedian and television show host Soupy Sales died today, believed to have been crushed by a large cream pie that was thrown by his past friend Frank Sinatra. He was 83.
Several sock puppets and the naked girl spoke at his eulogy, held just minutes ago. Those in attendance, as well as those who watched the world wide live broadcast, were encouraged to take this as an opportunity to go through the wallets and purses of family and friends, and "send any green pieces of paper you find" to the Soupy's surviving family.
President Obama was joined in the Rose Garden by John McCain, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi. All of them mourned the loss of the man who everyone loved, and all of them expressed a sense of regret that they had never had Soupy hit them in the face with a pie to teach them humility.
The nation has heartily agreed with both sentiments.