Ft. Benning, Georgia - For years, the National Organization of Women, has brought pressure to bear upon the United States Military to change their discriminatory stance against women.
From outright exclusion, to forbidding them combat roles, NOW has continually criticized the Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines for not affording the same opportunities to women, that they do for men.
Yesterday, in a historical press conference, General Arnold Fields announced a dramatic shift in policy and approach that is expected to lay to rest the complaints of women's groups all over America.
"We agree with those women who say that they are the equal of men, and should be afforded equal rights and responsibilities.", said General Fields. "Therefore, we are moving to rectify all discrimination at once."
General Fields then unveiled the military's new program.
1. That women may serve in all combat positions, and no longer will being pregnant exclude them from the duties they signed up for. Pregnancy that leads to combat unreadiness will be treated the same as if a male did something voluntary to make himself combat unready - that is to say, court martial and prison.
2. That all female recruits will have their heads shaved, will keep their hair as short as the men's, will do the same type of push ups as men, and have the exact same exercises as men. No further physical double standards will exist. Beatings equivalent to what male recruits still get will start at once.
3. That to correct the historical injustice of only having drafted men for the first 200 plus years, that for the next two centuries, only women will be drafted. Meanwhile, only women will be required to register for Selective Service, until 2209. Males will be removed all from combat positions so that women have a chance at it.
4. That all sexual harassment laws in the military will be repealed, as those laws condescendingly assume that women have thinner skins then men.
Having put forth the new program, the General stepped back from the mike and beamed, as if awaiting the expected applause. But amongst the reporters, and moreso the leaders of the dozen largest and loudest Women's Advocacy groups in America, only a stunned silence reigned.
"Uh...hello?", queried the General. "That is what you wanted, right? Equality?"