Written by Alexandria177
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Thursday, 22 October 2009

image for Serial Do-Gooder taunts police
Scene of the crime, note the perfectly made bed.

Omaha, Nebraska - A serial do-gooder has been hunting the students and faculty of Creighton University, and for some time been taunting the police, it was admitted today.

In a hastily called press conference, Chief Andrew Wiles confirmed what the community has long suspected. That the acts of cleaning that have taken place on campus are not random, but the calculated acts of a lone paranoid schizophrenic.

The Mint Maniac, as the press has been calling him, due to his habit of leaving a mint on the pillows of those who's dorm rooms he cleans, has apparently been tired of not being noticed. So has taken to sending bizarre coded messages to local authorities.

"Mission that I am on cannot be stopped by mortals. What the dog has commanded to be clean shall be. I won't stop. You can't stop me. Stop me, before I scrub toilets again!" was what one seventeen page message said in part. It was done in a numerical code that experts at Quantico decoded only last week.

"Yes", continued Chief Wiles, "After the 11th residence was cleaned from top to bottom, we had to bring in the FBI. Especially as this one has reportedly been in other cities."

Apparently Omaha isn't the first to be hit by this mad man. Residents of Wichita, Kansas experienced a Summer of Sprucing, as houses and apartments all over were found to be cleaned immaculately - and all with mints on their pillows.

The FBI believes it's the same man, and warn that he's not the ordinary run of the mill serial cleaner. Their profilers believe that he is a white male in his mid thirties to mid forties, and that he has previously been employed at an up-scale east coast hotel. Suspect most likely is a paranoid schizophrenic, who receives all but irresistable commands to clean and do good for people.

"His cleaning sprees no doubt stop the voices for awhile.", said Agent Clarice Starling. "But soon enough they start up again, leading him to further acts of cleaning. Could be worse, they could be telling him to kill!"

At that the press corp laughed, knowing full well how unlikely that was. After all, doctors have long known that the mere fact of having a chemical imbalance does not automatically make the voices say good or bad things. And with so many good things the voices could say, what would the odds be that they'd suggest such an unlikely thing as violence?

In any case, residents of Omaha are advised to take the usual precautions that have been established for when such of these show up. Leave your door unlocked when you leave so he won't waste time breaking in. And upon your return, make sure you honk once, or hit the brakes sharply, to give him time to flee before you enter the home.

Take your time, remember, such types hate being interupted. So above all, if you know you've left your home particularly dirty, don't rush through your errands.

Local student Sharon Moss said, "I hope they don't catch him. I remember when they caught that serial trash man in Chicago. He had thirty three bags of trash in his basement - and looked so sad when they led him away! Why couldn't they just leave him alone?"

Sharon is refering to convicted serial do-gooder John Wayne Gacy, who used to pose as a clown to gain access to people's houses, only to surreptitiously remove their trash when they weren't looking.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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