Every City, U.S.A. - Up until the eighties it was the glory days for smokers. Ash trays on every desk, ash trays outside of elevators, doctors walking through hospitals smoking, planes, trains, buses...it was a thing of beauty.
However, nothing that gives so much pleasure can long escape the notice of those who have no lives, so soon the cry went up about "second hand smoke". It had to be that cry, for if it was just said that it hurt smokers, most would have agreed that it was their choice.
Second hand smoke was then the "smoke screen" for all those temperance minded busy bodies of America. The patent absurdity of second hand smoke was easily shown by two things - that a previously unknown substance called Radon caused lung cancer, so that many deaths attributed to smoke were not. And two, that an automobile puts out more carbon monoxide in two minutes than a smoker can generate in a month.
Smokers resisted the "clean indoor air acts", of course. And the increased health insurance rates. And the higher taxes. Yet they were smarmily told, "Why should I suffer higher rates for you doing unhealthy things? Why shouldn't you have to pay more taxes for something that's bad for you? It'll help you in the end!"
Skinny smokers - and it's much overlooked that cigarettes do contribute to obesity avoidance - called upon a group of people that make up an...lol..."sizeable" section of the populace. The overweight.
"If you let them tax and regulate smoking, soon they'll do it to food! If you can do this to us for smoking being unhealthy, soon they'll do it to you for Big Macs and soda being unhealthy!", cried skinny smokers to overweight Americans everywhere.
Yet our cries fell on deaf ears. And those who heard dismissed us as kooks and extremists. "Food tax? Cholesterol cops? You're just being silly!"
Well, having had our silly selves standing out in the cold smoking - all in the name of our own good - for the past twenty years, now it's our turn. Now several attacks on American's right to gorge like piggies are underway.
Proposals to raise health insurance rates on those who's weight exceed the norm, government plans to provide disincentives for overeating, taxes on soda, taxes on junk food, taxes on trans-fats. And regulations over everything, to make you all slimmer. Healthier!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
What's your objection, fatties? That it's your body? Oh, but it was our body, too, wasn't it? Didn't stop you! That your overeating doesn't hurt others? Au contraire, it was you idiots who brought up the argument of higher rates for all due to us evil smokers! So suck it up! Or better yet, chuck it up, and drop them pounds!
You shouldn't have to pay more taxes, because we're all equal? What do you mean "we", fat man? You've had us smokers paying more taxes for years! Your turn now, but take heart, the more taxes you pay, the less food you'll be able to afford - it's for your own good!
Ha, ha! "Your own good", do you like how that sounds? Oh, does it sound condescending? Welcome to our world!
No, it's our turn now, and don't expect any smoker to lift a finger to save your right to gorge. Frankly, we're all tired of dealing with all that "second hand fat", you know, the kind that makes our health insurance costlier, the kind that has us squeezed to death on planes - oh, yeah, we support airlines charging you all more, too! And when you are pregnant, and overweight, even though that's known to cause birth complications? We'll cry out, "but what of the children?", and get you as societally ostracized as any pregnant smoker has ever been!
All for your own good, of course! And the good of the dear, sweet, innocent children! Ha, ha!
And on that note, don't think that we won't quietly work toward making eating junk food any where a child can see you a crime. It would be wrong to expose children to such an unhealthy lifestyle as you portray, don't you think? And don't think we've forgot that "should children be removed from the homes of parents who smoke?" crap you all tried on us - yeah, we still remember!
As for you non-overweight Americans - all seven of you, ha, ha! - don't worry, your day will come! After the fatties are as crushed down as we smokers have been, it'll be time then to regulate and tax music that makes your hearts beat faster, thus placing extra wear and tear on it! And lets get those autos outlawed, and ban houses with more than one story - did you know that most stairway related deaths occur in homes with stairs?
Sound crazy? Sound kooky? Ha, ha! That's what the overweight told us back in the eighties!
"First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out-because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out-because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out-because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out-because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me-and there was no one left to speak out for me." - Martin Niemoller
Ha, ha, ha!
Author's note: Obviously this reporter for TheSpoof is a smoker, and is outside having a cigarette now, laughing while you read this!