New York, NY - Former President Bill Clinton is missing and presumed fornicating at an unknown location.
Speaking from Mr. Clinton's office in Harlem, spokesperson Ferris Wheeler said, "We haven't seen him since October 3rd, when he bundled Madame Secretary Hillary onto a plane to Jeffbeckistan. He appeared giddy and highly-sexed at the time; frankly, we are worried."
Police checked Mr. Clinton's favorite Harlem haunts - Ky's BBQ, Ribs Ribs Ribs, The Chitlin' Cafe, Mo' Better Massage, The 'Sup Bitch? Gentlemens' Club and, of course, backstage at The Apollo Theatre, to no avail.
Mr. Clinton was last seen wearing Nikes and a navy blue sweat suit, with the top partially unzipped to showcase one half of a Mizpah coin on a golden chain.
If you spot Mr. Clinton, humping or not, please contact New York City law enforcement at 212-PREZ-SEX. Do not attempt to apprehend him yourself, as he is considered horny and extremely dangerous.