Written by Alexandria177
Print this

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

image for America's first mass murderer dies, government mourns
"I'll miss him. And the $250 I got per visit to him.", says a government doctor.

Trenton, New Jersey - Howard Unruh, who killed 13 people in 1949 in what is believed to be America's first mass murder spree since we had Native Americans to slaughter, is dead at 88 years of age.

Our government mourns.

When Howard was but 28, he planned for a year how to kill as many as he did, then went out and did it. Including killing a few he hadn't planned on, as his training in the U.S. Military had taught him to take advantage of "targets of opportunity".

The United States government, impressed with his ability to inflict pain and suffering upon others, rewarded him immediately.

Howard was provided with a great reward, that of food, clothing, shelter, utilities and recreation provided to him for the rest of his life. And free health care, from since man still hadn't landed on the moon.

"We all try to kill as many as we can", said a government official speaking on conditions of anonymity. "But Howard while only a former government employee left us in the dust. He deserved the best we could offer him, and he got it."

By "it", the official is refering to the fact that ever since 1949, Howard has had his every need provided for, and all at taxpayer expense. "Oh sure", said the same official, "we could have provided the basic in our prisons. Including television and exercise and free education while the nation went through recessions and wars, wars and recessions, over and over ever since. But he might have been slapped now and then, or raped. We knew we needed to do more for him."

And more they did do. As a "patient" instead of a "prisoner", he not only got the basic a prisoner would get, but oh so much more. No anal rape, no beatings, no force initiations into gangs. And plenty of drugs to make him even happier than most Americans would have been at having no more financial worries whatsoever.

He will truly be missed - by the facility that you taxpayers kicked out $120,000 a year to maintain.

Make Alexandria177's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 multiplied by 3?

8 15 16 9
75 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more