Hollywood, California - Emma Watson is making a serious bid for the much sought Milano award this year.
The Milano is given out each year to the television star that is regarded as most able to inspire masturbation in males of all ages. Past winners read like a who's who list of American masturbatory fantasies, with such names like Tracey "Carol Seaver" Gold or Shannon "Brenda Walsh" Doherty. And of course Alyssa "Samantha Micelli" Milano, whom the awards were named after.
The awards are based upon the actresses masturbatory ratings, published by the American Masturbators Association each year. To register on the scale, one must have at least 2.5 million men masturbating over you over a period of at least three months. Thus taking 2.5 and multiplying by three, 7.5 is the base qualifying score.
All the top ones scored over 12.
The Milanos are unique in that one need not be a current star in order to win. For instance, since TVLand started showing old "Bewitched" episodes, Elizabeth "Samantha" Montgomery has won in 2001 and 2008. And of course Dawn "Mary Ann" Wells has one three times since 1994.
Emma "Hermione" Watson has high hopes this year, as she is now past 18, and more men interviewed are expected to admit masturbating to her image. Insiders are reporting that they expect her combined score to approach 40, especially amongst dads who have been made to take their kids to see the Harry Potter series.
Maureen "Marsha Brady" McCormick was favored for this year, but recent appearances by her have dropped her number precipitously.
In related news, masturbatory loyalists to Barbara "June Cleaver" Billingsly are expected to protest again that the awards should be named after her, as she is regarded as the first TV actress to catch a 7.5 rating.