Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Dogs, salt lake city

Sunday, 8 August 2004

image for Detective Andy Sipowicz Joins Search for Lori Hacking
"Lori Hacking is bad for business..."

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) Teams of cadaver sniffing dogs are roaming the Salt Lake Valley Landfill looking for the body of a Lori Hacking - the pregnant woman reportedly murdered by husband Mark Hacking and then dumped into the trash according to his recent confession. Dozens of police are raking through tons of trash in an effort to locate Lori Hacking.

Recently flown in from NYPD, Detective Andy Sipowicz said, "Me and Bobby have been on the job here at this stinking dump for four days now. We sure would like to find Lori Hacking so that the Medical Examiner and Forensics can do their job and the Hacking family can give this poor girl a proper burial."

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"Right now I'd like to get my hands on that moron husband, Mark Hacking. I'd give him a tune-up he'd never forget! That lying piece of garbage had to toss his wife's body in the trash, and now I'm stuck here with this rake and all this stinking mess! These murdering sons of ******* husbands like that OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson really make my blood boil."

Salt Lake Valley Landfill operator Bud Stanford stood nearby watching all the unusual activity. "Normally we just have a few bulldozers working here; no teams of dogs, no cops. Since they've begun this search for Lori Hacking, we've had to virtually shut down our entire operation. Garbage is piling up in Salt Lake City. Residents are making big piles of the stuff at the curb, but our trucks cannot pick it up. We even had to cancel our contract with New Jersey - we used to accept most of New Jersey's sewage sludge. Now there are several hundred 18-wheelers from New Jersey loaded with sludge and just roaming around on the interstates looking for a place to dump their load. This could get real ugly. How'd you like it if one of those trucks dumped their load in your neighborhood?"

Later that afternoon, a delivery van from Krispy-Kreme came by and offered all the police some of the new doughnut-flavored frozen beverages. Detective Sipowicz said, "OK buddy, thanks, but just give me some plain old ordinary doughnuts and let me get back to my stinking pile of crap!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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